Confront People without Offending Them

Note: The word “confront” usually comes with a negative image. When the word is used people tend to think of a fight. It is true that confrontation could lead to a fight, but more important it could lead to a better understanding between two people. The article below gives some great advice about confronting others. The bible says “Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed” (Prov. 27:5). Therefore, if we are going to be biblical, we must learn how confront. And if we do confront, then reading this article will be a good place to learn the “how to’s.”

Confront People without Offending Them
Whitney Hopler

A husband who won't help his wife with household chores. A spendthrift woman who's constantly trying to borrow money from her friends. A boss with an anger problem who alienates his employees. A grandma who's tired of being asked to babysit so often that she doesn't have enough time to herself. These are just a few examples of the many issues that, if not dealt with, can permanently damage relationships.

All too often, people either avoid conflict or deal with it in clumsy, ineffective ways. Such approaches only make conflicts worse. But if you follow God's call to confront people without offending them, you can resolve conflicts, strengthen relationships, and grow personally in the process.

Here's how you can confront people without offending them:
Aim for a goal. Before confronting someone, clarify what you hope to achieve through the confrontation. Retaliation should never be your goal. If you have a vengeful attitude, confess it and ask God to cleanse your thoughts toward the person you want to confront.

Aim to use a confrontation to resolve whatever issue is causing conflict between you and the other person. Consider what specific outcome you'd like to see result from the confrontation -- having someone stop a negative behavior, start a positive behavior, or make some other change -- and keep that goal in mind when you confront the person.

Confront whether you're the offended or the offender. God wants you to try to resolve conflict through confrontation whether someone else has offended you or whether you've offended someone. If you've been offended, don't repress your feelings; that will only lead to bitterness that will poison your soul and express itself in unhealthy ways in your life.

If you've offended someone, remember that it's your responsibility to take action toward reconciliation. Work to overcome excuses and defensiveness no matter what the situation. Be willing to confront to try to work out the issue, since God has given you a mandate to initiate reconciliation whether you are the offended or the offender.

Understand different conflict management styles. Dictators handle conflict by charging, commanding, demanding, directing, imposing, mandating, ordering, proclaiming, ruling, calling the shots, and laying down the law. Sometimes that style is necessary because moral values are at stake or the common good is being threatened. But often, dictators need to focus more on hearing and valuing other people's input.

Accommodators handle conflict through adapting, adjusting, conforming, indulging, obliging, pleasing, or accommodating to other people's needs and desires. Accommodators are good at listening, which is a key skill in working through conflicts. But they need to learn to set boundaries to let others know that their negative or insensitive behavior toward them is not acceptable.

Abdicators handle conflict by retreating, bowing out, quitting, stepping down, separating themselves from situations, dropping out, walking away, abandoning, resigning, surrendering, or yielding. But by running away, abdicators make it impossible to resolve their conflicts. They need to express their needs through "I" statements that tell others what they feel when they experience the behavior that's causing the conflict and explain what they'd like to see happen.

Collaborators deal with conflict in the healthiest way, through cooperating, joining forces, uniting, pulling together, participating, and co-laboring to find a way to resolve the issue. Consider what style you tend to use the most, and think and pray about how you can better work with others as a collaborator. Do you need to be more respectful of authority, value other people's input more, or communicate more clearly? Try to choose the collaborator style as often as possible when managing conflict.
Prepare for the encounter. Before you confront someone, first be honest about why you've decided to confront him or her about the issue. Do you have an ulterior motive (such as trying to make the person feel guilty) or do you want to see a genuine change in behavior? Remind yourself that your goal should be to resolve a specific issue for God's glory.

Choose the right time and place for the confrontation, and try to make sure that you talk with the person when you all can be alone instead of in front of others. Pray to prepare your heart and mind before the confrontation.

Own the problem. Speak on your own behalf, explaining how the problem has affected you personally or how you perceive the issue rather than shifting the attention to other people's perspectives. Take responsibility for expressing your own thoughts and feelings clearly and directly to the person you're confronting.

Speak the right words. Pray for the wisdom to choose the words that will help you most effectively communicate with the person, and for the peace you need to deliver those words in a calm tone of voice. Describe specifically what you've observed or experienced, since being too general will make it easy for the person to deny wrongdoing or misinterpret your message.

For every negative statement you need to make while discussing the issue at hand, try to make a positive statement affirming the person's worth and your commitment to the relationship both before and after making the negative statement. That will help the person know that you are rejecting his or her behavior, but not him or her as a person.

When you criticize, do so constructively, giving the person information to help him or her solve the problem and being careful to preserve the person's dignity. Listen to the person with an open mind. Admit your own mistakes. Work with the person to find mutually agreeable ways to move forward.

Listen well. When you listen, you create an environment where the person you're confronting feels that he or she has been heard and his or her thoughts and feelings have been validated. That will motivate the person to try to resolve the conflict with you.

Try to fully understand the person's intentions and objectives rather than jumping to conclusions. Verify facts before making accusations. Explain your own actions when the person has questions about them. Ask questions to clarify what the person is telling you; then paraphrase what you think the person has said to make sure you understand correctly.

Negotiate future behavior. Try to work out a mutual agreement on how to move forward after the confrontation. But keep in mind that the only behavior you have the power to change is your own. Determine how much you're willing to compromise without violating your core values or self-respect to achieve harmony.

Forgive the offender. Let your gratitude for how much God has forgiven you motivate you to obey His call to forgive those who have offended you. Decide to forgive -- despite your feelings -- and rely on God's help to do so, trusting that your feelings will gradually change in the process.

While your decision to forgive should be immediate, restoring trust in your relationship with the offender is a process that may take a long time. For true restoration to take place, the offender must first repent and show consistent behavior that gives evidence of his or her change of heart.

However, whether or not the person who has offended you ever apologizes or repents, you must forgive him or her to obey God's call and free your soul from the poison of bitterness. If you're having difficulty choosing to forgive someone, pray for that person, and God will help you become more willing to forgive. After you choose to forgive, stop rehearsing the offense in your mind. Leave it in the past and focus on your future.

Get to know various temperaments. Understand your own temperament and that of others influences how each of you naturally communicate. Figure out the needs, fears, preferences, and propensities toward certain behaviors that come naturally to yourself and other people. Keep that in mind to devise strategies with each person to improve the way you interact with him or her.

Capitalism's Biblical Principles

Note: America has been a capitalist society since its founding. But with each passing year, there is more and more a movement to change America’s economy to a socialistic one. We have never witness this more than with our current administration.

Government takeovers have become an everyday occurrence. Just look at what has happened to the auto industry. GM and Chrysler share something in common – both are owned by the U.S. government. Ford is holding on to its independence by the skin of their teeth. Let’s not forget our banks. As soon as the once capitalistic enterprises took of the government bailout money, it changed their complexion for good.

So what’s the deal? What is the difference between an economic system that is capitalistic and one that is socialistic? Which is better for the people? For the country? For freedom? For the future of the next generation?

The article below does not answer all the questions above, but it will get you thinking about the basics. You should know the difference between capitalism and socialism. Do not fall into the category of the 47 percent who know nothing about capitalism. Enjoy!

Capitalism's Biblical Principles

Kelly Boggs
Baptist Press

ALEXANDRIA, La. (BP)--Fifty-three percent of American adults believe capitalism is a better economic system than socialism, a recent Rasmussen Reports survey found. Twenty percent said socialism is superior to capitalism and 27 percent said they did not know which system is better.

So, according to the survey, 47 percent of Americans are absolutely ignorant concerning capitalism. They have to be, because if they properly understood capitalism and the free enterprise system it encourages, they would realize that it is the vehicle that has given Americans the highest standard of living in the world.

While I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence, I do think some definitions would be in order here.

Capitalism is an economic system whereby wealth and means for creating wealth are privately controlled and owned. This economic vehicle is fueled by free enterprise in which an individual or individuals are free to create and operate businesses for profit with minimal governmental interference. In capitalism the government plays a relatively small role in providing goods and services, but does have the responsibility for upholding laws which protect rights to own property and for maintaining a stable currency.

Socialism insists on state administration and/or ownership of goods and services. The end which justifies the means for the socialist is equality. The common thread running through all forms of socialism is the belief that capitalism unfairly concentrates power and wealth with only a few. As a result, socialism seeks to distribute, or rather redistribute, a society's wealth more "equally" to all its citizens.

Though coined by the communist Karl Marx in 1875, the phrase, "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need," aptly sums up the philosophy of the socialist. According to socialist theory, every person will produce to the best of his or her ability and each person will receive from this production in accordance to his or her need, regardless of what they have produced. The state, of course, is arbiter of the distribution.

No economic system is perfect, and capitalism as well as socialism can both be exploited and misused. That said, I believe capitalism is inherently better than socialism. I would even say that capitalism is more Christian than socialism.

I did not say that capitalism is Christian. The Bible contains no culturally transcendent economic model. For anyone to declare any economic system as biblical would be to engage in a form of idolatry. But I believe capitalism is more consistent with biblical principles, and therefore more Christian than socialism.

Time and space will not allow me to discuss all the ways that I believe that capitalism is more Christian than socialism, but allow me to advance one idea: the dignity of the individual.

The Bible makes it clear that every person has incredible worth in God's economy and, as a result, is endowed with great dignity. I believe it is capitalism that affords the individual with the best opportunity to realize his or her worth.

In capitalism, and the accompanying free enterprise system, every person has the opportunity to become his or her best. Whatever a person inherently has can become more in capitalism. Talent, skill, intelligence and effort can all be parlayed into wealth creation given enough time and persistence.

In capitalism, a person can earn his or her own way. While capitalism does not promise equal outcomes, it does offer equal opportunity and with opportunity anything is possible.

With capitalism's emphasis on the individual, a person must rely on self and/or God in order to have his or her needs met. Socialism sees the state as sovereign. Consequently, a person comes to rely on the state to have his or her needs met.

There is something self-affirming, something that underscores dignity, when a person earns his or her own way. In the Old Testament there are admonitions for farmers not to harvest all their crops but deliberately to leave some in the field so that the poor can glean. While the farmers were providing for the produce, the poor had to do something in order to have their needs met.

Not only does socialism undermine a person's reliance on self and God, it also undermines an individual's obligation to assist the poor -- as in the aforementioned example of gleaning. If the government is redistributing wealth to meet everyone's needs, why should anyone provide additional assistance?

I ran across an anonymous reworking of the 23rd Psalm that sums up the problems inherent in socialism:

"The government is my shepherd:

"I need not work.

"It alloweth me to lie down on a good job;

"It leadeth me beside still factories;

"It destroyeth my initiative.

"It leadeth me in a path of a parasite for politic's sake;

"Yea though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit-spending,
I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.

"It prepareth an economic Utopia for me, by appropriating the earnings of my own grandchildren.

"It filleth my head with false security;

"My inefficiency runneth over.

"Surely the government should care for me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in a fool's paradise forever."

Is capitalism Christian? No, but its emphasis of the dignity of the individual makes it more Christian than socialism. Which is something more Americans need to realize.

Like Father, Like Son: Confronting Generational Sins

Note: You ask me why I subscribe to the notion that people will not get better in time but worse? It’s because of generational sins. The bible teaches it in many places. The sins of the fathers are passed on down to their children to the third and fourth generations. Each generation receives an even greater abundance of sin. We will eventually come to the place where the human race reverts back to the days of Noah just before the flood, where we’re told: “Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually” (Gen. 6:5). You know what occurred after that? The universal flood of Noah. Except this time, God will not bring about a flood, because He promised not to (Gen. 8:21), but He will nevertheless destroy the earth again, this time by fire (2 Pet. 3:10-12).

But until that day comes, we wrestle with sin in our homes passed down from our parents. This is why homes with abuse will most likely foster other homes with the same issues to one extent or another. Homes with anger will give birth to other homes with anger to one extent. Not only do we inherit the genes of our parents and manifest their physical systems, but we also inherit the sins of our parents and manifest their moral issues as well.

The article below brings this out. The blood of Christ and righteous living is the only way to put a stop to the power of generational sins.

Like Father, Like Son: Confronting Generational Sins
Michael Mangis
Author, Signature Sins

Our families have the greatest influence on our development, including the development of our patterns of sin. Some people even assert that family curses are passed down along generational lines. The belief comes from Old Testament passages which say that God “punishes the children and their children for the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation” (Ex 34:7). I will leave that discussion to biblical scholars.

Whether or not families inherit spiritual curses, it is obvious that patterns of sin are passed down through families. Everyone sins; but just as culture, ethnicity and gender steer our patterns of sin in particular directions, so do our families.

In my work as a therapist, I am amazed at the intricate ways in which family patterns of sin haunt people, even without their knowledge. I have seen individuals have an extramarital affair, only to learn afterwards that a parent had an affair at the same age. Many parents lament that they replicate the unhealthy discipline habits of their own parents, despite all their promises to themselves that they would not repeat their parents’ mistakes.

My family of origin is known for avoiding conflict. While this characteristic makes us easygoing and friendly, it also means that grudges sometimes fester under the surface without being resolved. Other families go to the opposite extreme and get addicted to conflict. They can’t connect with each other except through fighting.

I clipped out a cartoon of a person sitting alone in a room full of empty chairs next to a sign that read “support group for people with perfectly healthy, well-adjusted families.” Psychology graduate students often say their parents are afraid that the student will come home and point out all the pathologies of the parents and the rest of the family. Their fear has some basis because every family has its own areas of health and dysfunction.

Unless the family is unusually abusive or otherwise unhealthy, however, most students come to realize that their own family’s quirks and neuroses are no worse than those of their fellow students’ families.

One measure of a family’s health is its capacity for members to tell each other the truth. This sounds obvious, yet many families live under astonishing layers of lies. A person sincerely trying to grow spiritually may have to acknowledge family as one source of sin, only to meet resistance from others in the family. Fear of facing sin patterns robs families and individuals of the opportunity to confront and vanquish the sin. Reconciliation is not possible when only one party acknowledges that a wrong has been committed.

Children are very suggestible. Parents easily exploit children’s vulnerability to having their perceptions altered by steering a child away from one interpretation of reality toward another.

Guiding a child’s thinking is harmless and even helpful if, for example, I steer my child away from wanting soda toward wanting milk for breakfast. It is insidious, however, if I steer my child away from seeing that I have sinned toward believing that he or she has sinned. A cruel, abusive mother lies to her son, telling him that the beatings are for his own good. A hostile, controlling father tells his daughter that her mother left because the daughter was such a bad girl.

Those who have been subtly and systematically lied to often have great difficulty sorting out the truth. Others find them easy to exploit. I sometimes ask patients to watch the classic 1944 movie Gaslight. Ingrid Bergman plays a woman who is slowly convinced by her psychopathic husband (played by Charles Boyer) that she is losing her mind. She comes to trust his perceptions over her own, even the obvious fact that the gaslight in her room has dimmed, suggesting that someone has turned on a light elsewhere in the house.

When a detective following the husband notices the dimming lamp, the woman is flooded with relief to think that her perception of reality is trustworthy after all.

The Family Traitor
Families who want to present an image of perfection often demand that family members keep all family sins a secret. Secrecy shackles people in their search for wholeness. When they ask for greater honesty from their families, even when the affirmation that their sadness or anger over these patterns is legitimate, other family members deny the problem and refuse to discuss the issues. The one who wants to talk about the underlying truth is often branded a traitor.

A graduate student studying to become a psychologist told me of a holiday trip to see her family. She wanted to talk to them about some painful family patterns that she was struggling to deal with. Afterward she was confident that she had not been disrespectful or provocative, yet her family’s vitriolic denial of the problems stunned her. Her family—well respected and admired in their church and community—refused to entertain any such discussion.

In some families the layers of deception run so deep that there are multiple versions of the “truth” and even siblings can’t agree about what is true. I have consulted with two couples who found themselves dealing with children and/or grandchildren who accused the husband of sexual abuse. In both cases the children spoke quite convincingly of recovered memories of the abuse.

The men maintained equally convincingly that it had never happened. Each of the men insisted that their accusers had False Memory Syndrome, a phenomenon in which memories are fabricated in the mind of a suggestible subject.

In one case the evidence of abuse became so overwhelming that even the man’s wife was convinced he was lying. In the other case it never was clear what was the lie and what was the truth. I have worked with clients whose families essentially cast them out because they called attention to hidden patterns of family sin. When they expose the family’s problems, the identifiers are brought to psychotherapy as the troublemaker of the family. Like the ancient practice of laying sin onto the scapegoat (Lev 16:6-10, 20-22), the family projects its pathology onto the one who refuses to act like everything is fine.

These scapegoated individuals long for an honest acknowledgment that their anger at their family is justified. The longer the family withholds the acknowledgment, the longer the traitor’s banishment continues. If the family can rally and honestly own the legitimacy of the criticism, the family’s unity can be restored.

Whether or not the family acknowledges its patterns of sin, a person searching for paths of righteousness must face and name those generational sins in order to keep from passing them on to the next generation. Sara Groves has a wonderful song about this simple but profound concept. In her song “Generations” she sings:

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

Speaking the painful truth is one of the greatest gifts one generation can give to the next. Sin denied breeds corruption from within. Sin confessed can be exorcised.