Note: Imagine a potentially powder keg situation where an argument is about to start between you and your spouse. You feel the blood rushing to your head and your heart is beating faster. Your breathing becomes faster. You are ready to unload all your guns, when you hear the phrase, “I love you too much to argue with you.”
Couples argue all the time. To argue about things is not wrong, sometimes it is needed in order to come to a necessary conclusion. But arguments can lead to serious consequences if one wants to argue for the sake of it with no goal or resolution in mind. If both couples are in a bad mood, look out. But if both couples seek to live their lives filled with the Spirit, when one goes astray, the other is there is pick up the slack and defuse a potentially powder keg situation. Had any bad arguments lately with your spouse or others?
I Care about You Too Much to Argue
Dr. David Hawkins
Arriving home late the other night, I wasn’t aware of being irritable. Certainly I was tired from a long day of counseling, and I received several concerning phone calls just as I was preparing to leave the office.
As I walked in the door of my home I noticed that my wife, Christie was busy on the computer.
Hello,” she said, obviously engrossed in something important.
“Hello” I said, feeling a bit put off by her busyness.
Unaware of my irritation, I shuffled by her, walked upstairs and began changing my clothes. She came upstairs after me.
“You okay?” she asked. “You seem a bit distant.”
“I’m fine,” I said, still uncertain as to what I was feeling. “But, you could have greeted me more nicely when I walked in.”
“You’re right,” she said. “Welcome home.”
“Well, it doesn’t mean as much now,” I said sharply. “Why didn’t you get up and greet me when I came in.”
“David,” she said, pausing. “I love you too much to argue with you.”
“I’m not arguing,” I countered. “I just want to know why you didn’t get up when I came in. You hardly looked up.”
“David,” she said again calmly. “I love you too much to argue with you. I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”
Her words now began to sink in. In fact, we had rehearsed them a week earlier. How quickly I forgot them.
We just finished our most recent book Love and Logic Magic for a Lasting Relationship. Using "love and logic principles," we literally wrote the book on this technique — refusing to engage in arguing. We had not only written about it but had challenged others to refuse to argue as well. Here I was, weeks after the completion of the book slipping into old, destructive, argumentative behavior. Ouch!
I stepped back and smiled.
“Good job,” I said, the potentially volatile scene diffused by her
insight.
“Thank you,” she said. “Have you had a tough day?”
“Yes,” I said. “And I need a hug.”
Christie quickly obliged as I told her of my tiredness. Not only had we averted an argument, but I felt soothed and comforted by her presence. I was in a win-win situation — not only did I not add insult to my already ruffled feelings, but had the close relationship to my wife that I enjoy.
Let’s take a closer look at this strategy that you too can use in your relationship.
First, refuse to argue. Oh yes, I know this is much easier said than done. But, if you anticipate situations that arise, ruffling your feelings, you can also anticipate how to handle them more effectively. Consider all of your relationships—with mate, friends, colleagues—and determine not to engage in arguments.
Second, be alert. Catch yourself walking into the courtroom of life-- where you want to engage in an argument, where you want to poke at someone, where you want to prove a point—into the sanctuary, where you want to connect and be at peace with your mate, your friends and others in your life.
Third, have a ready response, such as "I care about you too much to argue with you.’ "This simple phrase is disarming. If you refuse to get hooked by someone’s challenging behavior, you will be much safer. “It takes two to tango” so if someone tries engaging you in a battle, but you refuse to show up, a fight cannot occur. Plus your words can be felt as soothing and comforting further deescalating a volatile situation.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12: 18) This powerful Scripture makes our response clear—be at peace with everyone. While I can only be accountable for my response, my response is powerful. Christie refused to fight with me, and subsequently no fight occurred. She lived out the Scripture beautifully, while it took me a little longer to live peacefully.
Finally, make it your goal to refuse to argue. Stay out of the courtroom in your relationships. Simply refuse to argue and more important, practice the art of neutralizing arguments by telling your friend, mate or colleague that you care too much about your relationship with them to engage in fruitless arguing.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
You Don't Eat Enough!
Note: I love the correlation between the physical meals we eat during the day and reading the bible mixed with praying. There is a strong relationship between the two and the article below amplifies on both. I have often said, “Imagine what we would all look like spiritually if we feasted on the Word of God in the same proportion that we eat our meals during the day?” Imagine taking big helpings of the bible and then going back for seconds? Imagine reading the bible not just in the morning for our devotions but three the four times a day like we usually eat when we get physically hungry?
When I go without food for a period of time, I become physically weak. Is there not a strong correlation to our spiritual life when we only eat from God’s Word once a day and consider that spiritual progress? No wonder we got saints in the church who are spiritually weak. The average believer is on a spiritual fast from God’s Word – skipping meals and going days without eating. Isn’t there a strong correlation between our physical and our spiritual ones? I definitely think so.
You Don't Eat Enough!
Matt Erbaugh
When you stop and think about it, it’s amazing how often people need to eat. In a time and place where food is so readily available, we sometimes fail to notice how peculiar it is that people require so much food. Why would God design things this way? After all, God could have created us to need only one meal during the course of a week or month, but if I go much more than few hours without taking in some sustenance, my body lets me know it’s not happy.
Perhaps our need for relatively consistent eating is meant by God to teach us of our continual need for spiritual sustenance. Jesus aluded to this principal when he said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4).
In other words, every day man needs both physical and spiritual meals. However, if we look at the amount of time and energy spent consuming the ‘bread of life’ (John 6:35), it doesn’t even compare to our devotion to merely physical bread. We eat all the time!
On the other hand, most of us are just proud when we finally manage to incorporate morning devotionals into our daily routine. But is this enough? They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but no one believes it should be our only meal of the day. In the same way, should we be content with morning devotions, and not concern ourselves with the other spiritual ‘meals’ of the day? Mightn’t we need the equivalent of a spiritual ‘lunch’ and ‘dinner’ as well?
When we purposefully skip a few meals we call that ‘fasting,’ yet we should learn one of the main lessons fasting is meant to teach us: fasting reminds us how quickly we become weak without regular intake. Unfortunately, the average Christian lives in what could best be described as a perpetual state of spiritual fasting. Is it any wonder then that we suffer from so much spiritual weakness?
There is a great need for our spiritual lives to begin to mirror our physical lives. The Old Testament prophet Daniel knew the danger of spiritual malnutrition so he, “got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God” (Daniel 6:10).
David also followed the physical pattern of ‘three meals-a-day’ in his spiritual life when he confessed, “Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice” (Psalm 55:17).
Like these saints, we all have the opportunity to regularly nourish our spirits through prayer and the Word. The Word of God creates life (Genesis 1:3, John 11:43), but we must spend time consuming it to get the benefits. An unopened Bible and an unused prayer closet hold no more spiritual value than uneaten vegetables do for the body.
The Psalmist says, “I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words” (Psalm 119:47).
We must also rise in the morning and be nourished to hope and act on all the promises God has made through His Word. But we must not stop there! In the very next verse the Psalmist continues, “My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promise” (Psalm 119:148).
The cure for the plague of spiritual weakness that inflicts the Church today is to devote our energy to consuming Christ with at least the same energy with which we pursue food. We must join with the Old Testament saints in singing, “Oh how I love your law! It is my meditation all the day” (Psalm 119:97).
When I go without food for a period of time, I become physically weak. Is there not a strong correlation to our spiritual life when we only eat from God’s Word once a day and consider that spiritual progress? No wonder we got saints in the church who are spiritually weak. The average believer is on a spiritual fast from God’s Word – skipping meals and going days without eating. Isn’t there a strong correlation between our physical and our spiritual ones? I definitely think so.
You Don't Eat Enough!
Matt Erbaugh
When you stop and think about it, it’s amazing how often people need to eat. In a time and place where food is so readily available, we sometimes fail to notice how peculiar it is that people require so much food. Why would God design things this way? After all, God could have created us to need only one meal during the course of a week or month, but if I go much more than few hours without taking in some sustenance, my body lets me know it’s not happy.
Perhaps our need for relatively consistent eating is meant by God to teach us of our continual need for spiritual sustenance. Jesus aluded to this principal when he said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4).
In other words, every day man needs both physical and spiritual meals. However, if we look at the amount of time and energy spent consuming the ‘bread of life’ (John 6:35), it doesn’t even compare to our devotion to merely physical bread. We eat all the time!
On the other hand, most of us are just proud when we finally manage to incorporate morning devotionals into our daily routine. But is this enough? They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but no one believes it should be our only meal of the day. In the same way, should we be content with morning devotions, and not concern ourselves with the other spiritual ‘meals’ of the day? Mightn’t we need the equivalent of a spiritual ‘lunch’ and ‘dinner’ as well?
When we purposefully skip a few meals we call that ‘fasting,’ yet we should learn one of the main lessons fasting is meant to teach us: fasting reminds us how quickly we become weak without regular intake. Unfortunately, the average Christian lives in what could best be described as a perpetual state of spiritual fasting. Is it any wonder then that we suffer from so much spiritual weakness?
There is a great need for our spiritual lives to begin to mirror our physical lives. The Old Testament prophet Daniel knew the danger of spiritual malnutrition so he, “got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God” (Daniel 6:10).
David also followed the physical pattern of ‘three meals-a-day’ in his spiritual life when he confessed, “Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice” (Psalm 55:17).
Like these saints, we all have the opportunity to regularly nourish our spirits through prayer and the Word. The Word of God creates life (Genesis 1:3, John 11:43), but we must spend time consuming it to get the benefits. An unopened Bible and an unused prayer closet hold no more spiritual value than uneaten vegetables do for the body.
The Psalmist says, “I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words” (Psalm 119:47).
We must also rise in the morning and be nourished to hope and act on all the promises God has made through His Word. But we must not stop there! In the very next verse the Psalmist continues, “My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promise” (Psalm 119:148).
The cure for the plague of spiritual weakness that inflicts the Church today is to devote our energy to consuming Christ with at least the same energy with which we pursue food. We must join with the Old Testament saints in singing, “Oh how I love your law! It is my meditation all the day” (Psalm 119:97).
Friday, April 8, 2011
Must a Pastor be Married?
Note: This article caught my interests and so I want to pass it on to you. As many of you know, I am single. I have been single for a few months now having been married to the same woman for 28 years. But Jesus decided to take her home first and leave me here to finish the assignment that He has called me to do.
After my wife had departed, one question that I thought long and hard on was, “Should I remain single while serving as a pastor?” Having been thrusted into the single life, there is a measure of enjoyment and attraction about it. But how would by singleness affect my ministry? Would people in the church still be prone to come to me for marital counseling? If I were to give a series of messages on marriage and the family, would my credibility be weakened by my singleness? Didn’t Paul state that it is better to be single while serving the Lord than married (1 Cor. 7)?
There is no doubt a single person can serve as a pastor effectively, but not so effective as a senior or Lead Pastor in my opinion. I like how Dr. Mohler stated that when a pastor gets married, he has the “protection of his wife.” We usually think of the husband protecting the wife – and he does, but in ministry, the wife brings a measure of protection to the husband too – i.e. guarding him against temptations, prayer support, spiritual advice, and shielding him against attacks that often single people tend to face.
So how would you answer the question: “Must your pastor be married in order to serve you and your family more effectively?” Of course, getting married is not the goal, but finding the right one to spend your life with who is God’s best is the goal. Anyone can get married and then subsequently divorced. But finding the perfect fit and making an all-out commitment to love the person until death or the Rapture separates is the kind of marriage that not only has the best potential of honoring God, but it will also have wide open doors for effective ministry. Enjoy!
Must a Pastor be Married?
Albert Mohler
Is marriage a requirement for pastoral ministry? That question is not new, having been a major focus of debates at crucial points in church history, but it is being asked once again.
Erik Eckholm of The New York Times asked the question in a news story that put a focus on Mark Almlie, a single seminary graduate who has been looking for a pastorate. As Eckholm reports, Almlie, “despite a sterling education and years of experience, has faced an obstacle that does not exist in most other professions: He is a single pastor, in a field where those doing the hiring overwhelmingly prefer married people and, especially, married men with children.”
Mr. Almlie calls this unfair discrimination, and he suggested that the motive behind this discrimination comes down to what Eckholm described as “irrational fears” that an unmarried pastor would be hampered in counseling, might be susceptible to sexual advances, or “might be gay.” In Almlie’s words, “Prejudice against single pastors abounds.”
Mr. Eckholm called me for comment, and included this section in his article:
R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., said it was unfair to accuse churches of discrimination because that word implied something “wrongful.”
“Both the logic of Scripture and the centrality of marriage in society,” he said, justify “the strong inclination of congregations to hire a man who is not only married but faithfully married.”
Mr. Mohler said he tells the students at his seminary that “if they remain single, they need to understand that there’s going to be a significant limitation on their ability to serve as a pastor.”
I have received a good number of responses to the article already, and some clearly argue that I am giving students bad advice.
Well, the reality is that the very fact that the article has appeared indicates that I am right in warning students that remaining single will be a significant limitation on their future service as a pastor. At the first level, this is simply a fact — a fact attested by the article and the statistics reported by virtually all non-Catholic denominations. Pastor search committees, reflecting the sentiments of the congregations, clearly prefer a married pastor with a wife and children.
And yet, beyond the indisputable fact that this is indeed the reality, there lies the question of whether it ought to be so.
I made a remark about that as well, telling Mr. Eckholm that the logic of Scripture and the centrality of marriage in society do justify the strong inclination to secure a pastor who is not only married, but also happily married.
I would base my argument on the most normative New Testament texts that describe the pastor. In 1 Timothy 3:1-7, the Apostle Paul presents Timothy, and thus the church, with this instruction:
The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.
This text clearly suggests that the minister will be married, indeed “the husband of one wife.” It does not say, “if married, the husband of one wife.” Now, the text does not explicitly state that a minister is not to be single, but it does hold out marriage as the default and normal state.
Importantly, the text’s concern does not end there. The pastor is to “manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive.” Once again, it does not state that a single minister is an impossibility, but it does hold out the expectation of a married pastor with a wife and a household, including obedient children.
Why is this so? Paul makes clear that this is all part of the minister’s credibility, “for if he does not know how to manage his own household, how will be care for God’s church?” Evidently, the ability to lead a family is an important sign of the ability to care for the family of faith.
A similar teaching is found in Titus 1:5-9:
This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you — if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.
Once again, the normative expectation is that the pastor is a married man with wife and believing children. This does not mean that an unmarried minister is not “above reproach,” but it does indicate a default position of marriage within the context that not only states the fact but also places it within the larger context of the pastor’s qualifications.
Why is this so? Beyond what has already been stated, the married pastor has the protection of a wife, the status of a leader in the home, the fulfillment of the marital relation, and thus the freedom to relate to the congregation as one who is already committed within the covenant of marriage, and who is able to serve as a model for other men within the congregation and the watching community.
So, then, what about Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7 concerning celibacy? There are two important passages within this chapter that directly address the question:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. [I Corinthians 7: 6-9]
The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” [1 Corinthians 7:32-35]
Furthermore, Jesus spoke of those whom he described as those “who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” [Matthew 19:12]
There is obviously great honor directed here to those who can live without spouse for the sake of the kingdom. Paul describes their service, like his own, as undivided in interest. A married man must be concerned about how to please his wife, while the unmarried man has an undivided interest and is thus more free to serve the Lord in what, as Jesus made clear, is service for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.
So, this is not a blanket statement affirming the priority of singleness, but instead affirming a state of uncompromised (not burning with passion) celibacy for the sake of kingdom service.
Note that this passage is addressed to all Christians, not specifically to ministers. Without doubt, an unmarried Christian with the gift of celibacy is more free for Gospel service and Great Commission deployment than a married pastor.
But Paul is not contradicting himself, and his advice concerning pastors stands.
I was asked for my advice and counsel on this issue, and I provided it in summary. I stand by my counsel. I do not have the right nor textual authority to state without equivocation that a pastor cannot be unmarried (as in never married), but I can advise that the logic of 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-9 will lead most congregations to a very clear expectation, and that this expectation will be reflected in congregational intuitions as well.
I can also offer my own personal experience. I was called as pastor of a small country church when I was engaged to be married. This sweet church took a risk with a young seminary student who was anxious to be married and just waiting for the date to arrive. I can testify that my ministry was transformed the moment I showed up back at the church with Mary, my wife. My relations with church members of both sexes took on a much more natural shape, and this was amplified with married couples of all ages. When children came, my ministry in later years was also deepened and widened.
My experience is not normative, Scripture is. Nevertheless, my own experience helps me to understand the logic of these key New Testament texts. I know countless unmarried men and women who are serving the Kingdom of Christ with distinction and dedication. I am so thankful for their commitment and service. But this does not change the fact that when the Bible speaks of the teaching office in the church, it speaks of a man who is expected to be married.
After my wife had departed, one question that I thought long and hard on was, “Should I remain single while serving as a pastor?” Having been thrusted into the single life, there is a measure of enjoyment and attraction about it. But how would by singleness affect my ministry? Would people in the church still be prone to come to me for marital counseling? If I were to give a series of messages on marriage and the family, would my credibility be weakened by my singleness? Didn’t Paul state that it is better to be single while serving the Lord than married (1 Cor. 7)?
There is no doubt a single person can serve as a pastor effectively, but not so effective as a senior or Lead Pastor in my opinion. I like how Dr. Mohler stated that when a pastor gets married, he has the “protection of his wife.” We usually think of the husband protecting the wife – and he does, but in ministry, the wife brings a measure of protection to the husband too – i.e. guarding him against temptations, prayer support, spiritual advice, and shielding him against attacks that often single people tend to face.
So how would you answer the question: “Must your pastor be married in order to serve you and your family more effectively?” Of course, getting married is not the goal, but finding the right one to spend your life with who is God’s best is the goal. Anyone can get married and then subsequently divorced. But finding the perfect fit and making an all-out commitment to love the person until death or the Rapture separates is the kind of marriage that not only has the best potential of honoring God, but it will also have wide open doors for effective ministry. Enjoy!
Must a Pastor be Married?
Albert Mohler
Is marriage a requirement for pastoral ministry? That question is not new, having been a major focus of debates at crucial points in church history, but it is being asked once again.
Erik Eckholm of The New York Times asked the question in a news story that put a focus on Mark Almlie, a single seminary graduate who has been looking for a pastorate. As Eckholm reports, Almlie, “despite a sterling education and years of experience, has faced an obstacle that does not exist in most other professions: He is a single pastor, in a field where those doing the hiring overwhelmingly prefer married people and, especially, married men with children.”
Mr. Almlie calls this unfair discrimination, and he suggested that the motive behind this discrimination comes down to what Eckholm described as “irrational fears” that an unmarried pastor would be hampered in counseling, might be susceptible to sexual advances, or “might be gay.” In Almlie’s words, “Prejudice against single pastors abounds.”
Mr. Eckholm called me for comment, and included this section in his article:
R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., said it was unfair to accuse churches of discrimination because that word implied something “wrongful.”
“Both the logic of Scripture and the centrality of marriage in society,” he said, justify “the strong inclination of congregations to hire a man who is not only married but faithfully married.”
Mr. Mohler said he tells the students at his seminary that “if they remain single, they need to understand that there’s going to be a significant limitation on their ability to serve as a pastor.”
I have received a good number of responses to the article already, and some clearly argue that I am giving students bad advice.
Well, the reality is that the very fact that the article has appeared indicates that I am right in warning students that remaining single will be a significant limitation on their future service as a pastor. At the first level, this is simply a fact — a fact attested by the article and the statistics reported by virtually all non-Catholic denominations. Pastor search committees, reflecting the sentiments of the congregations, clearly prefer a married pastor with a wife and children.
And yet, beyond the indisputable fact that this is indeed the reality, there lies the question of whether it ought to be so.
I made a remark about that as well, telling Mr. Eckholm that the logic of Scripture and the centrality of marriage in society do justify the strong inclination to secure a pastor who is not only married, but also happily married.
I would base my argument on the most normative New Testament texts that describe the pastor. In 1 Timothy 3:1-7, the Apostle Paul presents Timothy, and thus the church, with this instruction:
The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.
This text clearly suggests that the minister will be married, indeed “the husband of one wife.” It does not say, “if married, the husband of one wife.” Now, the text does not explicitly state that a minister is not to be single, but it does hold out marriage as the default and normal state.
Importantly, the text’s concern does not end there. The pastor is to “manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive.” Once again, it does not state that a single minister is an impossibility, but it does hold out the expectation of a married pastor with a wife and a household, including obedient children.
Why is this so? Paul makes clear that this is all part of the minister’s credibility, “for if he does not know how to manage his own household, how will be care for God’s church?” Evidently, the ability to lead a family is an important sign of the ability to care for the family of faith.
A similar teaching is found in Titus 1:5-9:
This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you — if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.
Once again, the normative expectation is that the pastor is a married man with wife and believing children. This does not mean that an unmarried minister is not “above reproach,” but it does indicate a default position of marriage within the context that not only states the fact but also places it within the larger context of the pastor’s qualifications.
Why is this so? Beyond what has already been stated, the married pastor has the protection of a wife, the status of a leader in the home, the fulfillment of the marital relation, and thus the freedom to relate to the congregation as one who is already committed within the covenant of marriage, and who is able to serve as a model for other men within the congregation and the watching community.
So, then, what about Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7 concerning celibacy? There are two important passages within this chapter that directly address the question:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. [I Corinthians 7: 6-9]
The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” [1 Corinthians 7:32-35]
Furthermore, Jesus spoke of those whom he described as those “who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” [Matthew 19:12]
There is obviously great honor directed here to those who can live without spouse for the sake of the kingdom. Paul describes their service, like his own, as undivided in interest. A married man must be concerned about how to please his wife, while the unmarried man has an undivided interest and is thus more free to serve the Lord in what, as Jesus made clear, is service for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.
So, this is not a blanket statement affirming the priority of singleness, but instead affirming a state of uncompromised (not burning with passion) celibacy for the sake of kingdom service.
Note that this passage is addressed to all Christians, not specifically to ministers. Without doubt, an unmarried Christian with the gift of celibacy is more free for Gospel service and Great Commission deployment than a married pastor.
But Paul is not contradicting himself, and his advice concerning pastors stands.
I was asked for my advice and counsel on this issue, and I provided it in summary. I stand by my counsel. I do not have the right nor textual authority to state without equivocation that a pastor cannot be unmarried (as in never married), but I can advise that the logic of 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-9 will lead most congregations to a very clear expectation, and that this expectation will be reflected in congregational intuitions as well.
I can also offer my own personal experience. I was called as pastor of a small country church when I was engaged to be married. This sweet church took a risk with a young seminary student who was anxious to be married and just waiting for the date to arrive. I can testify that my ministry was transformed the moment I showed up back at the church with Mary, my wife. My relations with church members of both sexes took on a much more natural shape, and this was amplified with married couples of all ages. When children came, my ministry in later years was also deepened and widened.
My experience is not normative, Scripture is. Nevertheless, my own experience helps me to understand the logic of these key New Testament texts. I know countless unmarried men and women who are serving the Kingdom of Christ with distinction and dedication. I am so thankful for their commitment and service. But this does not change the fact that when the Bible speaks of the teaching office in the church, it speaks of a man who is expected to be married.
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