5 Spiritually Unhealthy Motives for Saving

Note: Is saving money a good thing? Indeed it is. Can there be ill-motives for saving? Yes again! The article below describes some of the pitfalls that can occur if we choose to save for the wrong reasons. Enjoy!

5 Spiritually Unhealthy Motives for Saving
Craig Ford
Sound Mind Investing

I heard a young woman tell a radio interviewer why she saved: she was scared. Scared of the future. Scared of having nothing. Scared to be without. Thankfully, she finally realized that fear was an ungodly motive for saving.

That conversation caused me to check my own motives for building up savings. Out of that process, I developed a list of five unhealthymotives for setting aside money for the future.

1. Insecurity. Although I promote the use of an emergency fund to my blog readers, we should be on our guard. An emergency fund can become the focus of our trust, a means of soothing our insecurities.

Jesus told us to pray that God would give us our daily bread. But in our culture we stockpile, we save, we collect — so we can feel safe. If an emergency fund is taking the place of trusting the Lord daily, something is wrong.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God" (Psalm 20:7).

2. Fear. I think of fear as insecurity on steroids. Like the young woman I heard on the radio, some people live in fear of not having enough savings — often because they've experienced a traumatic event.

Perhaps they endured poverty while growing up, or suffered a job layoff, or lived through times of financial upheaval. Now they save, not simply because it makes them feel more secure, but because they're literally afraid of what the future may hold.

Happily, there is an antidote to fear: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me" (Psalm 23:4).

3. Pride. Some people save more than they need in hopes of being noticed or receiving special honor. After all, throughout history the rich have been honored, elevated, and recognized.

Even among believers, there is a temptation to treat the rich better than the poor. "Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, 'Here's a good seat for you,' but say to the poor man, 'You stand there' or 'Sit on the floor by my feet,' have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?" (James 2:2-4).

If you're craving the attention and status that come with wealth, that's a clear sign that God isn't at the center your life. Check your motives. Don't be like those who built the Tower of Babel because they were seeking to "make a name for [them]selves" (Genesis 11:4).

4. Greed. Associated with pride is greed — the love of accumulation, without regard for anything or anyone else. To get what it wants, greed destroys anything in its way.

"Here now is the man who did not make God his stronghold but trusted in his great wealth and grew strong by destroying others!" (Psalm 52:7)

5. Not deciding how much is enough. I suspect that many people have never established a "finish line" for their retirement savings. Since they've always saved, they simply continue to do so.
A savings habit can be a good thing, but we shouldn't turn off our minds when it comes to savings. Instead, at some point, perhaps annually, we should ask, "How much is enough?" When saving becomes compulsively habitual, it can become spiritually unhealthy.

"He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.'… But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'" (Luke 12:17-20).

It may sound like I am suggesting that Christians shouldn't save. But what I'm actually arguing for is saving for the right reasons. Let me suggest two right motives for saving.

• Save to avoid becoming a financial burden to the church. The church has a call and a ministry to this world that includes helping to take care of the poor. If church members save wisely for the future, the church will need to use fewer resources to take care of its own.

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers" (Galatians 6:10).

• Save to actively participate in generous giving. It may seem strange that you would save in order to give. But Scripture calls us to make provision for our families first.

"If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8). By setting aside adequate savings for your family's future needs, you'll be able to continue to be a generous giver in future years. The Bible tells us that while our actions are important, our motives are just as important, if not more so. So ask God to examine your heart — and help you save for the right reasons.

What's It Like to be Married to You?

Note: Have you recently asked yourself the question, “What must it be like to be married to me?” Put yourself in the shoes of your spouse. What do you think he feels or thinks? In fact, why don’t you go and ask him? Of course, if you do, you know he will not give to you a straight up and honest answer for fear of being set up! But focus on what is said in this article and prayerfully ask God to reveal things to you that could prove to be so beneficial to you and your marriage. Enjoy!

What's It Like to be Married to You?
Whitney Hopler

It's easy for you to know what it's like to be married to your husband, because you are married to him, so you know what you like and don't like about him. But have you ever considered what it's like for your husband to be married to you? What qualities do you bring to your marriage? Are you the kind of wife who blesses your husband, or do you cause him pain?

When you think about what it's like to be married to you and ask God to help you change in the ways you should, your marriage can grow stronger. Here's how you can become a better wife:

Ask "What is really important to me?": Realize that the choices you make throughout each day about what to say and what to do reflect what's truly important to you. Consider whether or not your choices are showing your husband that he's the most important person on Earth to you. Ask God to help you choose attitudes and actions that will clearly communicate to your husband that your relationship is a high priority. Imagine your husband speaking at your funeral, and reflect on how you would like him to describe you and your marriage. Then keep the end of your life in view as you make decisions today.

Pray and think about what's really important to you as a wife, and express that by writing a marriage purpose statement.

Ask "What does it feel like to be my husband?": Does your husband feel discouraged because you regularly complain, criticize, and nag? Or does he feel encouraged because you constantly speak positive words to him? Does your husband feel frustrated because your actions are burdening him? Or does he feel loved because you do acts of kindness to help him? Does he feel disappointment or contempt from you, or does he feel love and respect? If you're guilty of being too negative in your marriage, pour out your complaints to God alone through prayer, and trust Him to help you with everything that concerns you. Then obey God's command to accept your husband as he is and give him grace, because Jesus has accepted you and given you grace. Shift your focus from asking God to change your husband to asking God to change you, helping you become a better person and wife.

Ask "Am I willing to change my attitude?": Change your attitude from griping to gratitude. Ask God to help you notice all of your husband's good qualities, and cultivate a thankful spirit by regularly telling your husband what you admire and appreciate about him. When talking to other people about your husband, choose to be positive rather than negative. Thank your husband for what he does to help you, instead of taking him for granted. Pray for your husband regularly, with an alert mind and a thankful heart.

Ask "What will it take for me to get close to you?": Work toward emotional closeness with your husband by accepting the differences between you and learning how to use those difference to complement each other. Help each other be the best friends and lovers you can be. Since your husband's greatest emotional need is for significance, ask God to help you give your husband unconditional respect and encouragement.

Ask "What is it like to make love with me?" Consider whether or not your husband enjoys your sex life together. Remember that sex was God's idea, and in marriage, sex is holy and meant to be enjoyed. Pray for the ability to freely offer your husband the gift of your body. Pursue passionate and fun sex with your husband so you can grow in oneness together.

Ask "Why do I want to stay mad at you?" If you hold grudges against your husband after he hurts or offends you, ask God to help you let go of your anger and bitterness, since it will poison both your marriage and your relationship with God if you hold onto it. Rely on God's strength to help you follow His command to forgive your husband unconditionally and continuously. Remember that God has forgiven you of many sins, and let your gratitude for God's forgiveness motivate you to forgive your husband.

Ask "Is it possible to grow together when things fall apart?" Expect that you and your spouse will encounter various crises in this fallen world together, from health struggles to job losses. But realize that every crisis you all face presents either the danger that it will destroy your oneness by tearing you apart, or the opportunity that it will deepen your oneness by pushing you together. View each crisis that hits your marriage as an opportunity to grow closer together as you both learn how to trust God in fresh ways through the crisis. Turn to God's promises in the Bible to encourage each other as you deal with pain from crises in your marriage, and notice how you grow together.
 
Look in the mirror and focus on what matters most. Keep in mind that what matters most to God is that you're faithful. So regularly look in the mirror and ask yourself if the wife you see there is being faithful to God and your husband throughout all circumstances. Every day, pray for a fresh dose of the strength you need to be faithful in loving God and your husband, and God will help you keep learning and growing.

When Christians Sin

Note: I have a pastor friend of mine who agonizes over the sins of others. I am encouraged by this because I am more like a Paul than a Barnabas when it comes to ministry. Remember how Paul handled John Mark (Acts 15:36-40)? Mark screwed up on one of Paul’s missionary journeys. He got up and left or in other words he threw the missionary team under the bus. Paul and mark served as a team, so to have him get up and walk away like he did not only hurt the team but it also hurt the cause.


Paul remembered what John Mark did and did not want the same thing to happen again, so he did not want Mark to go with him and Barnabas on their next missionary assignment.


But Barnabas had a different perspective. He was more interested in restoring and ministering to Mark than Paul was. Paul was vision driven and Barnabas was people driven. After much dispute, Paul separated from Barnabas and chose to take with him Silas. Barnabas chose to take John Mark and work with him.


I can relate to Paul. I am also vision driven most of the time. I want only those who can spiritually handle the pressures and obstacles of ministry to be with me on my team. Will there be mistakes? Absolutely. Will there be mishaps? Yes! But what I do not like is desertion. I can understand the mistakes – good night, I have my own truck load. But desertion from the team leaving the rest in a pickle is cause for concern.


How do I handle deserters? I wish them well and pray for a replacement. This is what Paul did. Later when John Mark had learned his lesson and became more mature in his walk with the Lord and also strengthened in character, he became useful again. At that time, Paul wanted him back (2 Tim. 2:11).


Some see Paul’s remarks in 2 Timothy 2:11 as his admission that he was wrong in the way he treated John Mark. Nonsense. Paul did the right thing by not taking Mark and Barnabas did the right thing by taking Mark.


You see, we need to remember this: Disagreement among fellow leaders or Christians can be a good thing if it is Spirit led. By Paul taking Silas and Barnabas taking Mark, instead of there being one missionary team, now there are two. And instead of covering ground by one team, two teams can covered even greater ground. Furthermore, instead of a Christian being benched for his lack of follow through, both Mark and Silas are given an opportunity to serve and prove themselves – one has fallen and one is new.


I also think that another reason why Barnabas was so drawn to help Mark was because he was a relative of his (cf. Col. 4:10). Naturally, blood is thicker than water and Barnabas wanted to help and restore a blood relative.


We need both the Pauls and Barnabases. We need leaders who will pave the way. We need also those who will take an interest in fallen saints, making sure that they do not become permanently sidelined.


This also reminds me of the fact that it was John Mark who wrote the second gospel. Peter, of course was its author, but Mark penned his words.


Likewise, we as Christians are writing our own account or gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives. We do so daily – verse by verse and chapter by chapter. In the end when God calls us out of one assignment and into another, did the gospel we wrote using our character, our service, our love, our compassion, our gift – would it be a gospel about us or about Jesus? Would our gospel be about failure or about faithfulness?


I thank God that He has given to the church those who are Paul and those who are Barnabases. We need both. Personally, I do not have the time nor the follow through to work with fallen John Marks. I want to find the Silases and Timothys and disciple and train them. But someone has to work with the John Marks. And that someone are the Barnabases. Thank God He has both in the church.


Therefore, what can we Christians do when another Christian sins or fails?

When Christians Sin
Sinclair Ferguson

How successfully do you handle the sins of others? Observation suggests that the Christian family too often reacts with either hot indignation or cold indifference, without a proper sense of biblical responsibility.

Sometimes we seem as bad at handling others' failures as we are at overcoming our own. No doubt these two things are related. Yet, given the nature of the gospel, would we not expect that the church should be vastly different from the world on this point?

Scripture gives several principles which should govern our response to the sins of others.

1. Grief. A life has been marred. Christ's name has been shamed. Perhaps others' lives have been invaded by the consequences of sin. Things can never be quite the same again. Hearts will have been hardened, making repentance the more difficult. Knowing this, we will weep with those who weep.

2. Realism. Conversion does not deliver the saints from the presence of sin. We may have died to sin, but sin has not yet died out in us. The regenerate man is only in the process of being healed. Sin dwells in him still, and is deceitful still.

This does not excuse the believer's sin, but it underlines that it is possible for Christians still to sin. Scripture encourages us that there will be no fatalities, but warns us that we can still be critically wounded.

The strong-stomached authors of the Westminster Confession caught this balance when they wrote that "sanctification is throughout in the whole man; yet imperfect in this life, there abiding still some remnants of corruption in every part, whence ariseth a continual and irreconcilable war . . . In which war, although the remaining corruption, for a time, may much prevail; yet, through the continual supply of strength from the sanctifying Spirit of Christ, the regenerate part doth overcome . . ." (XIV,ii,iii)

Such knowledge does not protect us from grief over others' sins, but it does help us to see that a single wound is not the end of the war, and thus preserves us from despair of ourselves or others.

3. Self-examination. We too are frail, we too may fall. Our sins may not have produced the same public consequences as those of our brethren, but may be no less horrible. We may have been spared the combination of sinful desire, the pressure of temptation, and the opportunity to act that has brought another to fall. Only those who know that they too are "subject to weakness" will be "able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray" (Heb.5:2).

4. Mutual confession. We are to confess our sins to each other, and to pray for one another (Jas.5:16). Why? Because mutual confession breaks the grip of Satan over the guilty heart.

Satan's paralyzing stranglehold depends on our acceptance of his winsome lies:

1) No other Christian could have sinned as you did.

2) No other Christian will accept you and love you now, so you must disguise your sin by any means you can.

But in mutual confession we discover and overcome his lies, and break the blackmailing grip that Satan has gained over us. It brings us back into the fellowship from which we have withdrawn out of guilt and a fear of discovery.

5. Forgiveness and reconciliation. Those whom Christ welcomes we must welcome. He grants grace and forgiveness in order that there may be amendment of life. We dare not reverse that gospel pattern by demanding rigorous rehabilitation before we extend forgiveness and reconciliation.

6. New discipline. Brothers and sisters who sin are to be restored gently (Gal.6:1). There is a twofold emphasis here, on discipline and grace. Those who have failed need to drink long and deeply from the fountain of grace, learning again and again that we are not justified by our sanctification but by God's grace. They will need to be protected from Satan's efforts to overwhelm and cripple them with guilt, or to drive them to a sense of despair.

Moreover, they have sinned, as we ourselves have, and together we must help them to remodel and rebuild their Christian lives and testimony. The foundations must be strengthened, the ruins must be reconstructed.

It appears from our Lord's teaching that all this may normally be accomplished informally by fellow Christians, long before it becomes necessary for formal discipline to be inaugurated. Such discipline is for the intractable only (Matt. 18:15-17).

We must never lose sight of the fact that the New Testament church contained one who, after his regeneration, denied Christ with blasphemies. Christ prays for those whom Satan seeks to sift like wheat. He loves them still.

Who knows to what usefulness a brother or sister may be restored by those who have learned how to handle the sins of others as well as their own?

An Unforgettable Christmas

Note: I was moved by this story and came to see how this would be an unforgettable Christmas. Would you agree? I know we are passed the Christmas Season but I am a sucker when it comes to a great story!  Enjoy!

An Unforgettable Christmas
Kathy A. Heiden

A Christmas Story based on the events of 1959 in the life of the author

Mrs. Heiden started her Sunday School lesson with a twinkle in her hazel eyes: "Boys and girls," she began soberly, "I want you to think real hard about a question I'm going to ask in a minute."

Everyone turned to face their beloved teacher, waiting for her question. "What is the best Christmas present you have ever received?" she finally asked.

There was an unusual silence for several seconds as the children considered how they would respond. Some of the students tried to remember their presents from last Christmas, but for most of them, that information had slipped from their minds. Others were sure that this was a "trick" question and that Mrs. Heiden had a "religious" answer in mind. While her class was quietly thinking, Mrs. Taylor shared with them the story of her most memorable Christmas.

"In 1959 I was 7 years old," she began. "My family lived in Michigan then, where every winter is cold and snowy. We had recently moved to a new neighborhood and I was now attending a new school. I had not had time to make many friends yet, and I missed my cousins and old friends who now lived far from me.

"Just after Thanksgiving my dad lost his job. His employer said that he didn't have enough work to keep Dad on the job. Although he went out looking for work every day, there did not seem to be any jobs that were suitable for him. Each day, when my sister Donna and I got home from school, Dad seemed sadder and sadder. He hardly ever played with us any more, and he went to bed awfully early each night.

"Soon after this, Mom started to give us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for supper each night. We were surprised by this change. Donna asked her why we didn't have chicken or spaghetti for supper any more, and she told us both quietly and firmly that with Dad out of work, she couldn't buy very many groceries. She made it quite clear that we would have to learn to be happy with whatever she could afford to buy. Mom seemed angry with us for asking her about it, so I made a decision not to question her again.

"As Christmas approached, Donna and I were excited about having a vacation from school, but even baby Mary seemed to recognize that our home wasn't as jolly as it usually was at this time of year. Everyone seemed to feel an emptiness.

We didn't giggle and have hot chocolate any more—a favorite snack of mine. Mom never baked. Toast with a spoonful of jelly was our usual after-school snack during these days. There was no money to purchase extra treats.

"Two weeks before Christmas, Dad left with his rifle on a hunting trip. He took our only car, which made it a very lonely time for the rest of the family. A kind neighbor took Mom to the grocery store, but the rest of the time we were trapped at home. The weather forecast told us that it would be very cold, and to save on heat we wore sweaters and scarves in the house. With so much time inside, Donna and I argued constantly. Mom tried to ignore us, but much of the time she was very impatient. I was sure that Christmas would be ruined. We couldn't visit Grandma. Mom hadn't baked in weeks. We had no tree, no decorations, and with Dad gone we couldn't even go to Sunday School.

"On Christmas Eve, Dad returned without the deer he had hoped to shoot. There was no money for gas, for food, or anything else. Worst of all, there were no friends to enjoy, and no cheer.

"That evening, though, the most amazing happened. As it was snowing and blowing outside, we were startled by a hard knock on our front door. Before Dad could open it, we heard music. Opening the door, we saw several neighbor families surrounding the front of the house as they sang Christmas carols for us. Hearing them filled my heart with excitement. After they sang, Mom invited them inside the house to get warm. In they trooped with cookies, treats, thermoses of hot chocolate, and a wrapped present for each of us girls—even baby Mary. I saw one neighbor press an envelope into Dad's hand as his wife hugged Mom. Mom cried, Dad smiled, and we girls squealed with delight as we tore our presents open. I received a beautiful doll with long dark curls just like mine. I named her Gloria and took her with me wherever I went."

Mrs. Heiden paused . . . "That was many years ago, and I have received a lot of wonderful presents since then. Most I don't remember, though I was happy to receive them. What made that Christmas so memorable was that I thought everyone, even God, had forgotten us. God used our neighbors to show me that He still loved us no matter what happened in our lives.

"The best thing about Christmas is that it is Jesus' birthday, of course. Our Savior is the ‘reason for the season.' After we read from our Bibles this morning in Sunday School, I want each of you to try to think of someone you can bless this Christmas as my neighbors once blessed me. That will make it an unforgettable Christmas for you."

An Unremarkable Faith

Note: Sometimes we’re told to get out there and risk it all for Jesus! Shake things up. Go for the gusto. Put your faith on the line and make your mark and make it loud and clear. Well, there are times when we are called to do these things when empowered by the Holy Spirit. But for many of us, we live an “unremarkable faith.” Not a whole lot of bells ringing or fireworks popping, just true grit in doing the day by day tasks Jesus sends our way. For more on this unremarkable kind of faith, read what Tommy Clayton penned below. Be not discouraged or dismayed, but continue serving! Enjoy!

An Unremarkable Faith
Tommy Clayton

Meet Larry, a thirty-six year old Science teacher. Larry married Cathy 12 years ago. They love each other and enjoy raising their two sons. Larry’s life wouldn’t hold out much interest to the average citizen. His Facebook account doesn’t draw many friends and nobody ever leaves a comment on his blog. In fact, most people would summarize Larry’s life with one word—boring. But not Larry. Teaching osmosis to junior high students, playing Uno with his kids, and working in the yard with Cathy is paradise to him. But the real love of his life is Jesus. Larry’s a Christian. He’s been walking with the Lord for more than 20 years.

Larry’s Christian friends all employ the same word to describe their companion—faithful. He’s faithful to his local church where he’s been teaching Sunday School for nearly a decade. He’s never ignored a legitimate financial need within the body of Christ. He gives sacrificially, but secretly. Larry devotes himself to his wife and family, lovingly shepherding them through every season of life with the Scriptures. He’s faithful to his job and fellow colleagues. He’s managed to share Christ with nearly every junior-high teacher at Oakwood Academy. And although they mock Larry behind his back, all the teachers respect him. It won’t shock you to know Larry pays his taxes and never misses an opportunity to serve his community. Larry’s life commends the gospel. He’s faithful, but he’s unremarkable. Or, is he?

If you’re bored with Larry’s Christianity, it’s probably because you’ve been influenced by a very different idea of the Christian life. Larry’s not radical, or wild at heart—not in the sense of taking careless risks, jeopardizing the stability of his family, or pursuing a life of adventure. You could say Larry is quite content with his station in life, a station given him by God. He aspires to live a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and dignity. Sound familiar?

There’s a stubborn and influential voice within evangelicalism that seems to despise simple yet unremarkable faithfulness. Pastor Tom Lyon acknowledges that when he writes, “The value of a humble and unassuming life seems to have been eclipsed by this upwardly mobile ‘dare to be a Daniel’ brand of Christianity which elevates ambition above maturity and has seated the stable but unremarkable believer in coach class. Something is wrong here.”

Lyon went on to describe what he called the unremarkable Christian: “His aspirations, his thirst for notoriety, his estimate of greatness have all been changed. His horizon has come closer to home. He finds in the Bible no call to be outstanding. He is not without ambition, but his dreams have nothing to do with rising above his fellows. Unless pressed, he prefers anonymity to attention. He is steady.

Steadied by grace. And one of the most amazing things about grace is how it works this even disposition.” That’s not an endorsement for ministerial mediocrity or a call to settle for small, lifeless pursuits. On the contrary, it’s is a plea for excellence—but excellence according to Scripture. A humble, Spirit-filled pursuit of greatness should characterize every Christian’s efforts in ministry, but remember that greatness in God’s kingdom is unappealing to the world, unremarkable. How does the world view your life? John MacArthur writes:

“Christians are to be known for their quiet demeanor, not for making disturbances. Unbelievers should see us as quiet, loyal, diligent, virtuous people…To promote a tranquil and quiet life, believers must pursue godliness and dignity…Godliness can refer to a proper attitude; dignity to proper behavior. Thus believers are to be marked by a commitment to morality; holy motives must result in holy behavior. Both contribute to the tranquility and quietness of our lives.”

Here’s a thought to ponder as you go your way. Had you befriended Larry, how might you react to his faithful, yet unremarkable life? Would you advise him to venture out further, take a radical risk for the kingdom and leave behind the quiet, mundane confinements of his Norman Rockwell life? Or would you commend Larry for how he’s living, giving God glory for such a faithful yet unremarkable Christian?

Remember, the handful of so-called radical, risk-taking Christians stand on the backs of men like Larry. They are only able to take their risks because the Larry’s of this world won’t, and Larry wouldn’t have it any other way.

Dating: How Nice Attracts Mr. Wrong

Note: Have you ever thought that one major reason for poor marriages is due to poor dating? Have you ever woke up to the realization after you got married that this was not the person I dated? Some guys are attracted to nice women for the wrong reasons. If you are in the dating scene and you are a “Christian Nice Girl,” then this article is for you. Enjoy!

Dating: How Nice Attracts Mr. Wrong
Paul Coughlin

Have you met Mr. Wrong? He can look deceptively similar to Mr. Right, but behind his smile lurks trouble and heartache. When Christian nice Girls are single and dating, their people-pleasing tendencies can attract Mr. Wrong like sugar attracts flies. You'll learn in this chapter how to swat him away when he comes buzzing around, as well as dating tips that will help you find Mr. Right.

Doesn't it seem like Christian Nice Girls would attract Mr. Right? After all, CNGs are mannerly, appear ever-so-gentle and compliant, and smile until it hurts. Surely those qualities would attract a decent guy. Some CNGs do end up with Mr. Right—glory hallelujah!—but often, that's not what happens. Like the smell of blood for a shark, a CNG's passivity and inability to say no are powerfully attractive to Mr. Wrong. He's a "user." He may not be using illegal substances, but he definitely uses women to meet his own needs—for self-importance, money, sex, reputation, power, etc. And like a shark, he doesn't care who gets hurt when it's feeding time. He knows, from years of experience, that CNGs are easy prey who won't fight back, stand up for themselves, or maintain healthy boundaries.

Some married women are haunted by the ghost of Mr. Wrong. Whether they dated him once or for years, being used by Mr. Wrong can leave women devastated and vulnerable to further misuse. Even if you end up marrying Mr. Right, the harmful effects of previously dating a user can negatively impact your marriage.

All that is scary, isn't it? Rest easy, there are red flags that you can look for to help you identify Mr. Wrong before he sinks his teeth into you. Let's start with your first interactions with a potential dating partner, whether that's at work, in a social setting, at church, or on a blind date. Does he display any of these red flag behaviors?

~He talks quite a bit more than he listens, or he puts no effort into the conversation and expects others to do all the talking.
~His favorite topic is himself. He rarely asks about you.
~When the conversation shifts away from his life, he quickly brings it back to himself.
~He is often the hero of his own stories.
~He makes frequent critical comments about others or jokes at their expense.
~He laughs at, belittles, or ignores your opinions, ideas or activities.
~He is flamboyant, loud and boisterous in inappropriate settings.
~When his mistakes are brought to his attention, he gets angry or shuts down, even if the correction is done appropriately.
~When good things happen to other people, he seems to resent it or tries to "one up" them.
~He exaggerates his accomplishments and fudges the truth if doing so will benefit him.
~He flirts or acts seductively with many women.
~He frequently "checks out" women's body parts or makes lewd jokes.
~He spends his money to impress others.
~He regularly ignores laws and regulations even if doing so inconveniences or endangers other people.
~He gets offended easily.
~He gets angry quickly and without much provocation.
~Once he gets in a bad mood, he stays there, sulking and pouting.
~He dismisses other women's assertions that he is "bad news," a "player," or a "jerk."

The above behaviors are a shark fin sticking out of the ocean. They indicate danger—get away from this guy, even if his physical appearance is as unthreatening as Mr. Rogers, because Mr. Wrong comes in all shapes and sizes. He can be short or tall, well-educated or a high school drop-out, a city slicker or a farm boy, and yes, he can be a Bible-toting, Scripture-quoting churchgoer. Mr. Wrong can even be in the ministry.

Regardless of their outward appearance, Mr. Wrongs share the uncanny ability to manipulate Christian Nice Girls. These men know that some women won't push back, are easily led, and will gradually come to accept their selfishness, immaturity, and, in far too many relationship, verbal or physical abuse.

Some Christian Nice Girls naively assume that sensitive men are safe, but Mr. Wrong can use his sensitivity to help him be even more manipulative—so don't immediately entrust yourself to a guy just because he cries at sad movies. Some CNGs rule out masculine men because they think that manly strength isn't Christlike. Be careful with this mistake as well. Jesus worked with his hands as a carpenter. He spent a lot of time outside and on fishing boats. Jesus was plenty masculine.

Remember: people teach you who they are, so stand back and observe a guy over time, without trying to change him. Dating is the time when you are supposed to examine men and discover both their strengths and weaknesses, so don't feel guilty or judgmental when you begin to recognize his problem areas. That's how dating is designed to work.

Read over the red flag list again, but this time, imagine that it was someone else's boyfriend who was displaying those behaviors. Wouldn't you think he was a jerk? Often, Christian Nice Girls can identify Mr. Wrong when he's attached to another woman, but have difficulty identifying users that swim into their own dating pool. This is partly due to the cultural pressure women experience to be nice, accommodating, and never angry in their own personal relationships. The Nice Girl culture trains them to ignore the subtle (and obvious) cues they pick up that this is Mr. Wrong.

God gave women brains that can quickly read danger signals. Christian Nice Girls tend to ignore those "something's not right here" signals they get from their intuitive brains because they mistakenly believe that those signals are "being judgmental" or are somehow unchristian. Ironically, because Jesus commands Christians in Matthew 10:16 to be "as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves," CNGs are actually being unchristian when they ignore the red flags and intuitive signals that could lead them to wisely discern that a Mr. Wrong has just surfaced in their dating pool.

Christian Nice Girls also forget that they can and should leave dating situations that are quickly becoming volatile. And the media—a huge part of the Nice Girl culture—doesn't help them date more wisely. Movies and television repeatedly portray female characters remaining in foolish, dangerous situations and trying to reason with men rather than getting out of Dodge and to safety. Don't follow the typical movie heroine's example—if you sense danger in a dating situation, get out. Don't worry about appearing rude or hurting anyone's feelings. Just get out of there.

If you are frustrated that you're consistently attracted to the Mr. Wrong types lurking in your dating pool, take a look at your childhood. As discussed in chapter 3, being raised by people who were emotionally distant or abusive can leave you vulnerable to relationship problems later. Sometimes women unconsciously choose Mr. Wrong because being misused is all they know. These women don't enjoy being taken advantage of, but being misused is familiar at least, a known quantity. Sadly, being attracted to Mr. Wrong often results when a woman feels defective at her core: if she believes that she is unworthy and unlovable, then she won't expect men to treat her with dignity and respect, and she will accept poor treatment as her due. If any of this is ringing your bell, please go talk to a trustworthy counselor or minister. Just make sure that you talk to someone who respects women, highly values human dignity, and shows mercy and grace while also taking a firm stance on sin. If this counselor or minister shames you for wanting to be treated with dignity and respect, wave goodbye and find a more mature Christian to talk to. You deserve to believe, deep down in your bones, that you are a treasured daughter of the King. And once you believe that, you'll be more likely to be attracted to a prince than to Mr. Wrong.

If Mr. Wrong asks you out, don't be a Nice Girl and say yes to avoid hurting his feelings or making him angry. If you don't want to go out with a guy, even a genuinely good guy, don't lie to him. It's lying to pretend an attraction that you don't feel. Speak the truth in love. Say something like "Thank you, but I'm not interested in dating you." You don't need to try and let him down easy by adding in the dreaded phrase "Let's just be friends." If he's a good guy, you'll be friends anyway. If he's Mr. Wrong, he may misinterpret that phrase as "Keep pursuing me, and eventually you can wear me down, and I'll go out with you." Also, don't tell a man "I like you, but it's not God's will for us to date/God doesn't want me to date you" to avoid taking personal responsibility for your own choices. It's cowardly to make God the bad guy, plus your pious excuses could mess with his faith.