Traits of an Abusive Relationship

“My boyfriend is jealous. He gets furious when I won’t dump my friends and spend all of my free time with him,” one woman complained.  “But I know he loves me because he tells me so all the time. However, I am also wondering if I am in an abusive relationship. Because, I keep telling myself things will get better, but it hasn’t. My best friend was put in the hospital with a broken arm and nose by her boyfriend and I wonder if that can also happen to me?”

As a pastor serving out on the West Oahu side of the island, I have talked to both men and women (women mostly) who are in an abusive relationship and don’t know how it all got started.  Some have told me that they had attended other churches and have told their pastor only to be ignored and disbelieved. Now and then I hear women crying out for help where I live because of they are afraid of getting hurt by an angry or jealous boyfriend of husband. The cries echo in the night and at times I found myself reaching for my phone to call 911.

If you are in a relationship and you’ve been noticing signs of abusive, perhaps you should not ignore such things. Here are some common traits that could possibly suggest that you are in an potentially abusive relationship.

Trait #1: CHARMING!

It is not uncommon for this person to quickly smother with gifts and praise. He/she immediately pushes for an exclusive relationship using phrases such as “I can’t live without you” or “I’ll kill myself if you leave.” This is clearly an indication that something is wrong.  Never get too involve with someone who makes you their god. You do not want that kind of responsibility. If such a person cannot live without you, then the next step would not to allow you to live at all so no one else can have you.

Trait #2:  JEALOUS. 

He/she views others as a threat to the relationship and relentlessly accuses you of flirting. “I know you are having an affair.” The irony is that the abuser is usually the cheater.  Because of this insecurity, you have to always walk on egg shells and watch not only who you talk to in person and over the phone, but how you talk to the person. If you smile or laugh or seem to be enjoying the conversation, then to your overly jealous boyfriend / girlfriend, it is a sign that you are being flirtatious and having an affair. Because of the deep rooted insecurity, you always have to give an account of where you are during the day and who you were with. If you say, “I am going to Long’s,” and you take a detour and also go to Safeway, you will be drilled as to why it took you so long to get back.  “You went by to see him didn’t you?” “How come you got that nervous look on your face?” “It does not take 20 minutes to go to Long’s.” etc. You cannot live with a jealous person nor can you ever please them enough so that he or she will be satisfied enough to trust you. In the beginning of your relationship, you may think that some of the jealousy is cute, but it will escalate and turn your friend into an abuser. And when that happens, the jealousy that you considered cute in the beginning, will being you much pain both emotionally and physically.  But most of all, the real irony is when you discover that what you have been accused of doing, is exactly what your boyfriend or girlfriend has been doing – cheating!  When you confront the person, it will lead to the third trait which we’ll take a look at next time.

Trait #3: MANIPULATIVE.

Abuse and manipulation go hand-in-hand. This person easily detects vulnerability in others and uses it as a weapon to control, belittle and demean the victim. “You are weak and ugly; no wonder you were abused as a kid.” Such words cut deep and they do not go away over night. At this point it is good to remind ourselves that verbal abuse is just that – “abuse.” It too can hurt and leave lasting scars. Choosing what we say to others is a daily challenge we must take upon ourselves. How often do you hear of people who have done some really bad things give this excuse, “I kept hearing voices in my head telling me to do that?”   My point: Words are powerful tools to either encourage others to press on or manipulate in the wrong way.  When an abuser does something wrong like have an affair and is discovered, he will tend to say, “Well, you drove me to it. All your flirtatious acts and the way you behave around others in order to get me jealous, how do you like it when I do that to you? But baby, you need to know that it is you that I truly love.  The other woman didn’t mean anything to me.”

While in a relationship, if you are constantly put down and told that something is wrong with you, it may indicate you are in an abusive relationship. Only you can put a stop to it. You must stand up for yourself and say, “Enough! You will not talk to me like that again, if you want to see my face another day. A great passage from the Bible to keep close by you is the following: “But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water” (James 3:8-12).  The point James is making is this:  It is a contradiction for a Christian who has had a heart change to also be known as abusive with his or her tongue.

Trait #4: CONTROLLING.

Constant checking on the whereabouts of the victim is a common trait for the abuser. “I check the mileage on your car. So don’t lie to me.” A male controller often refuses to let his girlfriend have a job, she might “meet someone.”  So controlling is the abuser that he or has to know the whereabouts of the person at all times. If there is any sign or hint that would give the abuser reason to be suspicious, the abuser will tighten his or her grip over the person and the relationship.

One thing you begin to notice if you are paying attention to what is going on around you is this: Your friends begin to fall away, while members of your family remark on how you don’t seem like yourself anymore. They ask, “Are you okay?  Is something wrong?” Of course, you don’t dare tell them anything, because you are certain they can’t help you anyway.  And if you do say something, your abuser puts on his or her good side so that your family says to you, “Are you sure?  Maybe its you that has issues?”

You see, your abuser will seldom use physical force in the beginning to control you. Instead, he or she will use mental and psychological manipulation. Fear and guilt become the two most common tools that an abuser will use. Once these are perceived as no longer working, then physical abuse comes into the picture. At this point, you are in serious danger. Even if you do break up, the probability of being stocked, either with phone calls, nasty notes, or by personal surprises of showing up at work, in stores, or even at your door will be enough to move you into serious danger. At this point, getting out on your own will not be an easy option. You will need outside help and a well conceived plan that takes into consideration various options. But who do you trust? Who do you spill your heart to?

Trait #5: A VICTIM. 

An abuser doesn’t take any responsibility for his/ her poor choices. They are never at fault. When she loses her job, or he gets into a fight, someone else is to blame. “You make me hit you” or “I drink because you stress me out.” 

This is one of the reasons why the abuser will get people to side with him. Some really do think that he is the victim and that it really could be your fault. You are the one blinded to this. Everyone seems to see it, why not you? Sadly, you do begin to fall into this mindset and think that perhaps, “I am responsible.”  “Perhaps, if I was a better wife.” “If only I give him more attention.”  Once the abuser has you believing that he or she is the victim and you are the cause of his tempter and the way he behaves, then you will begin to doubt yourself and here is the sad part -- You will then think irresponsibly, such as: “I deserve to be hit. I deserve to be yelled at. I really am a bad person.”

At this point, you have changed a great deal in your thinking. You begin to fall for the abuser’s lies. You are not getting much support from others on the outside and so you interpret that as proof that it is your fault. You will begin to make unreasonable sacrifices. Your health will go down and you will carry a heavy mental strain. Here’s the bottom line: Your abuser will begin to see you as pathetic, helpless and weak.  He will resent you. Your weakness feeds his need for power and control. Now you will only be someone who he can use for his twisted purposes.  At this point, he no longer loves you. He despises you and it is your fault for turning him into this kind of a person.    

Trait #6: NARCISSISTIC. 

The whole world revolves around the abuser and his/her needs. This person is invigorated by the fact that the victims “walks on eggshells” and live in fear of the next outburst.  The abuser will appear sweet and innocent to others.  Most will not understand what the fuss is about and why you come up with such crazy ideas about being abused. But that’s precisely his modus operandi to keep you in fear and walking on eggshells. Since you cannot obtain support from others, your only option you tell yourself is to please your abuser and make him the center of your world.

Remember, at this point his pride has a huge appetite. It will need to be fed and stroked with huge helpings of submission and surrender from you. Your life as you once had known it is no longer your life. Your words, your expressions, your every act will be scrutinized for signs of rebellion perceived by the abuser. If you are caught trying to seek help, through a note, a phone call, a visit, he will tighten his hold on you even more.  Because of his extreme narcissism, if he feels you are slipping away, he would rather kill you then live without you. But that’s how his distorted thinking has become. To kill you is to live without you, but logic and reasoning makes little sense to the abuser.   To kill or harm you physically only supports his appetite for control and boosters his pride that leads him to believe that life is all about him.  

Trait #7:  INCONSISTENT.

Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he/she is happy and sweet, the next they are pounding a fist or throwing a tantrum.  This is what makes the abuser hard to spot. The wife says to her pastor, “My husband abuses me.” And the pastor thinks to himself, “You mean the nice man who is our top greeter and who comes to church early on Sunday mornings to set up?”

While trying to picture someone as an abuser especially looking from the outside in, to the one being abused, the mood swings are night and day. One day he is praising her for something she just did or said, then the very next moment he is in her face for forgetting to pick something up at the store.

However, it is important that we don’t forget that in many cases of an abusive relationship, there are two sides to it. For the abuser, there is of course the need to be in control. For the victim there is the need for attention. So because the victim needs attention, she will put up with his mood swings.  

You see, the abuser is an insecure person and so is the victim. The abuser has little sense of self-worth and so also the victim.  In a morbid way, this is a match made for each other.  So because the victim has a fear of not being loved, she will accept the abuser’s inconsistencies. The victim gives her abuser the right to be inconsistent and at the same time feeds off of his love for her. Both needs are being met in a strange way.

I think it is important to remember what the bible says about rescuing someone from his anger. Listen to this: “A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again” (Prov. 19:19). In other words, as long as the victim makes excuses for his inconsistencies or covers them up, she will not help him to change.

This is why the abuser will often immediately apologize for hitting his wife or girl friend, or for swearing or yelling at her, or for doing something awful.  The abuser has no problem saying, “I’m so sorry! Will you forgive me?” His problem is that, because of his severe mood swings, he will do it again and again. And as long as he is being rescued by the victim, he will keep on with the abuse.  Therefore, enabling the abuser on the victim’s part for the sake of getting attention from him and feeling loved is a horrible relationship to be in. In reality, what started out as a match made in heaven, turns out to be a match from the pit of hell.    

Trait #8:  CRITICAL.

Verbally assaulting others is a way of life for the abuser. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp. You can’t ever leave me; no other man would have you” or “Ha! You call yourself a man. You are nothing but a mama’s boy.”

Words often go deeper to cause pain and injury than physical blows and they last longer too. 

To avoid your partner’s critical spirit and verbal abuse, do you:

Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?

Feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

How about this:  Does your partner:

Humiliate or yell at you?

Criticize you and put you down?

Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

Blame you for their own abusive behavior?

See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

If any of these are true and more have signs of coming to life, you need deliverance and intervention. At the end of this series, I will offer some practical ways to get help.

Trait #9:  DISCONNECTED.

Isolation from family and friends is a key goal for the abuser because it forces the victim into total submission. “Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want you seeing them anymore.”  This is where the abuser is clever. Your family thinks it is you that chooses to isolate yourself from them, not knowing that it is actually your abuser who made the decision.  

Disconnection occurs progressively. First, you are disconnected physically. After this, comes the emotional and psychological side. However, this can also be reversed especially in homes where often there is another side of abuse – “Self-abuse.” An example of this is where a person in the home is a chronic alcoholic and spends his or her days drinking themselves into physical oblivion. Those in the home – spouse, kids, etc., begin to first pull away emotionally.  In some cases, such things are never discussed or talked about by members of the family. It is embarrassing and the pain of talking about it is avoided at all cost.  This is known as active disconnection, where you end up making the conscious choice of disconnecting from your spouse, or family member because of their self-destructive behavior.

However, passive disconnection occurs when your abuser makes the choice on your behalf.  You had no say so in the matter. The goal is to isolate you further from getting any help or support that would empower you to stand up to the mistreatment you are experiencing. When the lines are cut, you are virtually on your own.

Trait #10:  HYPERSENSITIVE.

The slightest offense sends the abuser ranting. Everyone is out to “get him/her.”  “My boss had it in for me; I bend over backwards on my job but I still got fired.” And when the abuser begins to think like this, he feels you are also out to do him in. So he will question your every move. He will watch you closely and when you are not noticing, he will check your purse, your clothing, your credit card bill, your phone records.  Moreover, if he even gets a hint that you have been talking to others about deliverance and help, to him that is another sign that you are out to get him. He does not realize that he is creating his own bad consequences. He feels misunderstood. He senses no one dares to care. You have hung with him this long when no one else will, so you are his last hope. It does not occur to him to seek after God. It does not occur to him that he is so hypersensitive.  But the slightest bit of perceived offense will turn him from a happy-go-lucky kind of guy to a raving lunatic.  And since you are around him so much, you become the object of his release.

Trait #11:  VICIOUS and CRUEL.

A significant number of abusers harm children and animals as well as a partner. Intimidation and inflicting pain fuels his/her power. “If I can’t have you, no one will” or “I just pretended to love you so that you would sleep with me.”  

When you hear these words for the first time, it is never at the beginning of your relationship. So one can only imagine the surprise you must feel. But at this level, you must be calm as can be expected and wise in your departure. Yes, I said “departure.” Only a fool would remain in this kind of an abusive relationship and you are no fool, unless you believe yourself to be one. The person you are with is cruel, mean and vicious. Your well-being and the well-being of your children (if you have any involved) are depending on you for the next move to be right and well planned.  Whenever you hear the words, “If I cannot have you, no one can,” should be your most earnest wake up call.  If you have been doubting that you are in an abusive relationship this long, you ought to see it as this juncture.  

Trait #12:  INSINCERELY REPENTANT.

He/she will swear to never “behave like that again.” But unless an abuser receives professional help and solid accountability it’s unlikely the abuse will disappear.   Like a bad habit, the abuse will continue because there is a bondage that cannot be broken by just the will of the abuser.

If you are unmarried and in such a relationship, be sure of this: After marriage abusive behaviors typically escalate, therefore it’s crucial to recognize the warning signs now.

It is important that you speak to someone you can trust. Some who will believe you. I want to recommend such a person.  Her name is Norina Barcenas. She is the founder of Wings International Ministry.  She and her capable staff will help you and get you on the road of deliverance and most of all, help you get your life back!

Please don’t believe the lie that it’s not abuse until he/she hits you.  When an abuser loses control they often react with rage and the abuse intensifies. Therefore, make a plan before breaking off the relationship on your own and risk personal injury.

Note:  You might say, “I’ll just talk to my pastor or church leaders.” Yes, that would also be a good place to go to. However, abusers know how to deceive and manipulate the church. He/she often knows exactly what to say and do to get the church “on their side.” This is because they play off the role that the church is to be loving, kind and forgiving and most of all, “neutral” or “no respect of persons.” This makes it difficult at times for the leaders of the church to visibly take your side. They have to take time to gather as much fact as possible, and sometimes snooping around can become a danger to you.

I would talk to someone (counselor) who is independent of the church, and then have that counselor talk to the pastor on your behalf and explain to the pastor what are the proper steps and procedures that would best ensure your safety and the recommended help for the abuser without chasing him or her away.  

You should not live in a toxic or abusive relationship. God can transform your abuser and at the same time rescue you from the abuse. Use wisdom and discernment. Don’t take matters into your own hands. Get the help you deserve!